Again with this campaign to end "bullying." This article fucking enraged me.

http://togetherforjacksoncountykids.tumblr.com/post/14314184651/one-teachers-approach-to-preventing-gender-bullying-in

“It’s Okay to be Neither,” By Melissa Bollow Tempel

Alie arrived at our 1st-grade classroom wearing a sweatshirt with a hood. I asked her to take off her hood, and she refused. I thought she was just being difficult and ignored it. After breakfast we got in line for art, and I noticed that she still had not removed her hood. When we arrived at the art room, I said: “Allie, I’m not playing. It’s time for art. The rule is no hoods or hats in school.”

She looked up with tears in her eyes and I realized there was something wrong. Her classmates went into the art room and we moved to the art storage area so her classmates wouldn’t hear our conversation. I softened my tone and asked her if she’d like to tell me what was wrong.

“My ponytail,” she cried.

“Can I see?” I asked.

She nodded and pulled down her hood. Allie’s braids had come undone overnight and there hadn’t been time to redo them in the morning, so they had to be put back in a ponytail. It was high up on the back of her head like those of many girls in our class, but I could see that to Allie it just felt wrong. With Allie’s permission, I took the elastic out and re-braided her hair so it could hang down.

“How’s that?” I asked.

She smiled. “Good,” she said and skipped off to join her friends in art.

‘Why Do You Look Like a Boy?’

Allison was biologically a girl but felt more comfortable wearing Tony Hawk long-sleeved T-shirts, baggy jeans, and black tennis shoes. Her parents were accepting and supportive. Her mother braided her hair in cornrows because Allie thought it made her look like Will Smith’s son, Trey, in the remake of The Karate Kid. She preferred to be called Allie. The first day of school, children who hadn’t been in Allie’s class in kindergarten referred to her as “he.”

I didn’t want to assume I knew how Allie wanted me to respond to the continual gender mistakes, so I made a phone call home and Allie’s mom put me on speakerphone.

“Allie,” she said, “Ms. Melissa is on the phone. She would like to know if you want her to correct your classmates when they say you are a boy, or if you would rather that she just doesn’t say anything.”

Allie was shy on the phone. “Um …

tell them that I am a girl,” she whispered.

The next day when I corrected classmates and told them that Allie was a girl, they asked her a lot of questions that she wasn’t prepared for: “Why do you look like a boy?” “If you’re a girl, why do you always wear boys’ clothes?” Some even told her that she wasn’t supposed to wear boys’ clothes if she was a girl. It became evident that I would have to address gender directly in order to make the classroom environment more comfortable for Allie and to squash the gender stereotypes that my 1st graders had absorbed in their short lives.

Gender Training Starts Early 

Gender is not a subject that I would have broached in primary grades a few years ago. In fact, I remember scoffing with colleagues when we heard about a young kindergarten teacher who taught gender-related curriculum. We thought her lessons were a waste of instructional time and laughed at her “girl and boy” lessons.

My own thoughts about gender curriculum shifted when I became a mother. As I shopped for infant clothes for my first daughter, I was disgusted that almost everything was pink and there was no mistaking the boys’ section of the store from the girls’. I refused to make my baby daughter fit in the box that society had created for her. “What if she doesn’t like pink?” I thought. “What if she likes tigers and dinosaurs?”

As my two daughters grew, I talked with them about gender stereotypes. I let them choose “boys’” clothes if they wanted to (and often encouraged them because they are more practical). The first week of kindergarten, my younger daughter’s teacher told me that she had a heated argument with a boy while they played dress up. “She insisted that boys can wear dresses if they want to,” the teacher told me. I beamed with pride.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t until I had a child dealing with gender variance (defined as “behavior or gender expression that does not conform to dominant gender norms of male and female”) in my classroom that I realized how important it is to teach about gender and break down gender stereotypes. Why did I wait so long? I should have taken a hint from that kindergarten teacher years ago. As I thought about how to approach the topic, I realized that the lessons I was developing weren’t just for Allie. She had sparked my thinking, but all the children in my class needed to learn to think critically about gender stereotypes and gender nonconformity.

We started off with a lesson about toys because it’s a simple topic I knew my students thought they had clear ideas about. The class gathered on the carpet and I read William’s Doll, which is about a boy who, against the wishes of his father, wants a doll more than anything.

After we read the story, I taped up two large pieces of paper and wrote “Boys” on one and “Girls” on the other. “Students,” I said, “what are some toys that are for boys?” Eagerly, the students began to shout out their answers: “Legos!” “Hot Wheels!” “Skateboards!” “Bikes!” The list grew quite long. “OK,” I said, “now tell me some toys that are for girls.” “Baby dolls!” “Nail polish!” “Barbies!” “Makeup!”

When we had two extensive lists, I read both lists out loud to the class and then studied them carefully.

“Hmm,” I said. “Here it says that Legos are for boys. Can girls play with Legos?”

“Yes!” most of them replied without hesitation.

“I wonder if any of the girls in our class like to play with Hot Wheels?”

“I do! I do!” blurted out some of the girls. We continued with the rest of the items on our “Boys” list, making a check mark next to each one as it was declared acceptable for girls.

Then we went on to the “Girls” list. We started with baby dolls. Because we had just read and discussed William’s Doll, the children were OK with boys playing with dolls. “It’s great practice for boys who want to be daddies when they grow up,” I mentioned.

But when we got to nail polish and makeup the children were unsure. “There are some very famous rock ’n’ roll bands,” I said, “and the men in those bands wear a lot of makeup.” Some of the children gasped.

Then Isabela raised her hand: “Sometimes my uncle wears black nail polish.” The students took a moment to think about this.

“My cousin wears nail polish, too!” said another student. Soon many students were eager to share examples of how people pushed the limits on gender. Our school engineer, Ms. Joan, drove a motorcycle. Jeremy liked to dance. I could see the gears turning in their brains as the gender lines started to blur.

Supporting Gender Variance Every Day

I knew that broadening my students’ ideas of what was acceptable for boys and girls was an important first step, but to make Allie feel comfortable and proud of herself, I was going to have to go further.

For example, as teachers, we often use gender to divide students into groups or teams. It seems easy and obvious. Many of us do this when we line students up to go to the bathroom. In one conversation that I had with Allie’s mother, she told me that Allie did not like using public bathrooms because many times Allie would be accused of being in the wrong bathroom. As soon as she told me I felt bad. By dividing the children into two lines by assigned gender, I had unintentionally made the children whose labels aren’t so clear feel uncomfortable in more ways than one.

When we lined up to go to the bathroom, I kept my students in one line until we reached the bathroom, and then let them separate to enter their bathrooms. Allie usually said she didn’t need to use the bathroom. The few times that she did, I offered the bathroom around the corner, a single-stall bathroom that was usually unoccupied. When the kids came out of the bathroom, they wanted to line up as most classrooms do, in boys’ and girls’ lines. Instead, I thought up a new way for them to line up each day. For example: “If you like popsicles, line up here. If you like ice cream, line up here.” They loved this and it kept them entertained while they waited for their classmates. Here are a few more examples:

Which would you choose?

Skateboard/Bike

Milk/Juice

Dogs/Cats

Hot day/Snow day

Fiction/Nonfiction

Soccer/Basketball

Beach/Pool

I also became very aware of using the phrase “boys and girls” to address my students. Instead, I used gender-neutral terms like “students” or “children.” At first, the more I thought about it, the more often I’d say “boys and girls.” I tried not to be too hard on myself when I slipped, and eventually I got out of the habit and used “students” regularly.

Around the same time, another child’s mother told me that her son had been taunted for wearing a Hello Kitty Band-Aid. She mentioned that his sister was also teased at school for having a lunch bag with skulls on it. I planned more lessons to combat gender stereotypes in our classroom.

‘It’s OK to Be Different’ 

In order to deepen our discussion of gender, I selected another read-aloud. Before we read, I asked my students: “I would like to know—how many of you like to dance?” Most raised their hands.

“How many of you have been told you can’t do something because it was ‘only for boys’ or ‘only for girls’?” Many hands went up.

Then I read Oliver Button Is a Sissy. In the book, Oliver is bullied because he prefers dancing to sports. The students quickly realized that this was not fair and empathized with Oliver Button.

The following day we read It’s Okay to Be Different by Todd Parr. Parr’s books are quite popular in the primary grades because they include an element of humor and simple, colorful illustrations. We read:

It’s OK to wear glasses.

It’s OK to come from a different place.

It’s OK to be a different color.

As we read, I asked questions to empower the students: “Who used to live in a different place?” Students proudly held up their hands. “Awesome!” I replied. “My mom comes from a different place, too. She used to live in Hong Kong.”

Then I guided the direction of the conversation toward gender. As a class, we brainstormed a list of things that students thought were “OK” even though they might challenge society’s gender norms. Monica told us very matter-of-factly, “It’s OK for a girl to marry a girl,” and Jordan said, “My dad carries a purse and that’s OK!” At that point I explained that my father and my friend Wayne both call their man purse a “murse.” The children were fascinated.

Toward the end of the discussion I explained: “People make all kinds of different decisions about gender. Sometimes, as we grow, we might not want to pick one or the other, and that’s OK; we don’t have to.” I wanted them to begin to see that our lessons were not only about expanding the gender boxes that we’ve been put into, but also questioning or eliminating them altogether.

Afterward, I had the students do a simple write-and-respond exercise. I asked them to pick one activity that they associated with girls and one associated with boys to write about and illustrate. Monica drew two brides in beautiful wedding gowns. Miguel drew a man with a purse slung over his shoulder. I showed off the pictures on the hallway bulletin board around the words “It’s OK to Be Different.”

Although things were getting better for Allie, she still faced many challenges. At the end of the school year, Allie’s mother told me a heartbreaking story. She said that for Allie’s recent birthday party, her grandmother had bought her colorful, formfitting clothes and then demanded them back when Allie did not like them. “Does she know she is a girl?” she yelled, and announced she would never buy her clothes again.

It was so sad to hear this. I visualized Allie on her special day, excitedly ripping open gifts in front of her family and friends only to find, again and again, the gifts were things that she would never be comfortable with. As a mother, the feeling of extreme disappointment was unbearable for me to imagine.

I have just begun to empathize with the challenges that gender-variant children deal with. For some it may seem inappropriate to address these issues in the classroom. My job is not to answer the questions “Why?” or “How?” Allie is the way she is (although asking those questions and doing some research in order to better understand was definitely part of my process). My job is not to judge, but to teach, and I can’t teach if the students in my class are distracted or uncomfortable. My job is also about preparing students to be a part of our society, ready to work and play with all kinds of people. I found that teaching about gender stereotypes is another social justice issue that needs to be addressed, like racism or immigrant rights, or protecting the environment.

Later in the year, I opened my inbox one morning and read: “Andrew says he wants a Baby Alive doll and he doesn’t care if it’s for girls. Thank you, Ms. Melissa!”

Here is why I fucking hate this woman:

1) Irony overload: Little miss political correctness likes to "break down stereotypes," but assumes that because little Allie wears hoodies that she must be a homosexual or transgendered. It's called a tomboy, asshole. The phone call, in my opinion, was a very inappropriate thing to do.

2) "What if she doesn't like pink? What if she likes tigers and dinosaurs?" Then she's A CHILD YOU IDIOT. Again, the hypocrisy is just overwhelming.

3) She encourages kindergartners to engage in political arguments and philosophical debate. Kindergarten is for graham crackers and story-time, not pooping your agenda all over the floor and asking the kids to nap in it. It isn't the issue itself I find inappropriate, it's the selfishness. She even implies later in the article that she wishes to teach these kids about global warming and immigrant rights.

4) She asks the girls if they like to play with Hot Wheels and is actually surprised and heartwarmed when they said yes. Again, they are children. It's a toy. Then when the boys say they don't want to wear makeup, this bitch actually brings out the Motley Crue defense, because wearing makeup in the entertainment business is the same as wearing makeup casually. It's not. Did you really "blur gender lines" by concluding that some older guys wear black nail polish? DID YA REALLY? Next time take the kids on a field trip to your local Tranny Hooker District and then see how they feel about boys in dresses.

5) Allie is nervous about using the bathroom because kids make fun of her for looking like she's in the wrong one. Rather than encouraging Allie to stand up for herself or even ignore them, she decides to alienate her even further by sending her into an empty private bathroom so that she won't need to face her problems head-on. She'll grow up to be a real winner, I'm sure.

6. "If you like popsicles, line up here. If you like ice cream, line up here." As if gender wasn't subjective enough for you, now you are organizing your kids by personal opinions. Yeah, that's a logical way to make sure none of your students were kidnapped and ***** on the field trip. Hopefully you'll get lucky and the pedophile will return it because he mistook it for a boy.

7) " I also became very aware of using the phrase “boys and girls” to address my students. Instead, I used gender-neutral terms like “students” or “children.” You've got to be fucking kidding me.

8) "It’s OK to Be Different" Really bitch? Because you just spent this whole time explaining to me how everyone is equal and should be treated as such.

9) After one kid mentions his dad's purse, the teacher then brings up that her dad also has a purse, as does her friend. This entire town gives me the douche chills.

10) Finally, the birthday incident. The little Allie girl didn't like the clothes she got from grandma on her birthday. Grandma was offended, called her a tomboy, and stormed out with the clothes. First of all, this is an old lady. For all we know grandma is a senile, racist old bitch. In fact, she probably is. An old fashioned lady like that is going to get mad. Sorry, modern-era p.c. savior, but you're gonna have to ride that high horse somewhere else if you can't tangle with the generational gap. Secondly, the kid cried because it's a kid and can't handle the "heat" yet. That's all. It wasn't traumatizing, it was just a shitty day. The teacher, especially, needs to let it go. In my opinion, this is none of her fucking business anyway.

Just because the girl is a tomboy doesn't mean she is transgendered or gay or needs some lecture about how she's special and different. It means she likes to play with Hot Wheels and wear cornrows. She's a kid. She's finding herself. Fucking let her. Stop bouncing your stupid agendas around in her skull, stop alienating and confusing her; just let the kid be a fucking kid. Jesus, fuck!

I'm going to say a lot of things you all will find offensive. Shocker, right? Well, while you bask in fear I stand tall, calm and collected, ready to receive your hateful knee-jerk overreactions which you will base on the four paragraphs that you read (Yup, I'm calling it right now because you are that predictable). Know why? Because nothing gets to me. Nothing can ever bring me down. "Sticks and Stones" is my favorite philosophy of life and has never failed me. This used to be an accepted and appreciated character trait. Now it only makes me an asshole. So, here's me, being an asshole.

Just about all of you bed-wetting dickheads have been propagating your remarkably selfish agenda of fantasy and utopian irrationalities by throwing this kid's video around:

"What's going on?" Good question, and one that I'm prepared to answer. What's going on is that you need to either grow a set of fucking balls or just go ahead and kill yourself because with that attitude you are destined to fail in life.

You people describe this kid as "brave," though he never stands up for himself. You describe the video as "inspiring," yet it promotes not only the acceptance of, but the desire to seek depression and misery. This isn't about homophobia. This isn't about taking a village to raise a child. This is about somebody who refuses to accept himself, whose skin is so thin that you can see his anatomy through it, or more appropriately, his lost and vulnerable soul. Now he cries for the help of the nation, exploiting the weak minds of the increasingly uneducated youths of a country that has been consumed by fear. If you don't believe that kids are getting dumber, read his cue cards again.  Maybe people hate you because you can't fucking spell, shithead.

Before any of you overreacting shit-for-brains gets onto me for "not getting it," let me explain something to you.

I was bullied. In middle school I was treated like shit. I remember many occasions when I had to sprint to the carpool lane as everyone threw rocks at me. Like every other guy on this planet, I was called a faggot, homo, asshole, douche, lame-ass, whatever the hell you want to throw out there. It's part of growing up. Children are evil. Right and wrong is learned. Not imposed, not inherent, but learned. Experienced. You may disagree because you probably grew up with some kind of religious brainwashing. But it's true. Thankful for all that God shit now aren't you? There's a reason that when I was an atheist (now a deist) I hated being called an atheist. Because atheists fucking stink.

Back to my life. I used to be the short kid. I'd get shit on all the time for that. After crying to my parents I went to a doctor to see if there was a pill to take that could make me taller. When in-class projects came up, girls would sigh and give their friends an annoyed look whenever a teacher paired us up. They also called me ugly. Whenever I would speak up about something, I was promptly told to shut my mouth by anyone who was near. Now you know why I am so loud and obnoxious these days.Middle School was fucking MISERABLE. But guess what? I was responsible for my sadness. Not the people throwing rocks, not the girls who called me ugly or the guys who ripped on me for being short and skinny, but ME. I had three options: shooting up the school, killing myself, or finding a better way to survive that doesn't involve going home crying every day. Know what I did? I changed my outlook. Would you like to know my secret to eternal happiness? 

A sense of humor, you cunt.

I became funny. I know, I know. Calling myself funny is like calling myself cool. But I never claimed to be cool, so you can stick that ugly attitude where the sun don't shine, mister. While you're at it, take a long walk off a short pier. See? I am fucking hilarious. 

A good sense of humor is about more than just what you happen to find funny. It is about self acceptance, recognizing every one of your flaws and finding a way to laugh at them. Forgive me, but I've got to throw another forgotten cliche out there: "If you cannot make fun of yourself, you cannot make fun of others." I took advantage of this. What you will find is that these bullies, these rock throwers, these people calling you a faggot or a douchebag, cannot make fun of themselves. They are incredibly insecure. Once I discovered this, I was empowered.The more they attacked, the stronger I became. Eventually, nothing they could shoot at me left any holes. Hell, it wasn't even like there was any crossfire. I was the guy running around collecting grenades as they were thrown and tossing them back with the grace of...fuck I dunno, something graceful. Ballerina fucking missionary style.

Gradually, people started to leave me alone. Thus began my evolution. I was above them. Better than. Business man, see? But I suppose that only matters to people on the rim. I was no longer hated for being short, or wimpy, or scrawny. I was hated for taking their power away. They were disabled and I was free.

Sitting here today at the know-it-all age of 24, I can confidently say that I am thankful for my bullies. Without all of that torture, I would not be this strong willed. I would be just like all of you. Weak, fearful crybabies with no appreciation or experience with self deprecation, not to mention your fraudulent senses of humor that let you laugh at Family Guy and Two and a Half Men but then you cower at the thought of someone calling you fat, or stupid, or a nigger. See how much that one freaked you out? And you're probably white, too. You make me sick.

It's ironic, really, the fact that you are all vultures. Any time someone says anything offensive, you jump on them, attacking with your judgmental talons that just moments ago were traipsing around in piles of bullshit. Don Imus, Opie & Anthony, Tracy Morgan, Adam Carolla, all scrutinized by society and had their careers threatened because you didn't get a joke or heard some naughty language.  If this is what we are turning into, I might finally have to off myself, because I don't want to live in a world where people are not free to be funny. That is what truly offends me, what reaches me at my core. Not naughty language, not homophobia, not racism, not politicians, not even those fucking Muslims I just love talking about, but censorship. Dishonesty. Holier-than-thou attitudes about something as simple as language. Language is meant to be spoken. We are meant to communicate our feelings. It's a beautiful thing and all of you, I don't care if you are a liberal or a conservative or a Tea Party racist Fox News watching whatever-the-fuck, all of you are destroying it. You throw out cloying PSA's or try to humiliate innocent people (*cough*bullies*cough*) just to propagate fear and, yeah, asshole, HATE. That's what you're doing. You're breeding hate. Bunch of god damn no good hypocrites, all of you.

Telling people what they can and cannot say is not only morally reprehensible (not to mention unconstitutional), but it is a slippery slope that will lead to the death of honest human interaction. It's time now for the memorial part of this little rant. A quote by a man who I greatly admired and I will miss dearly. He was truly an inspiration to anyone who knows what it means to have a sense of humor. 

"I support hate speech. Why can't I hate you with speech?" -Patrice O'Neal

Why are we trying to ban hate speech? So we can use violence instead? So we can take out our emotions physically? So we can resolve our differences with war rather than passing a joint?

Black people: Would you rather someone call you a nigger or hang you from a tree?

Gay people: Would you rather someone call you a faggot or chain you to a fence?

Jewish people: Something something ovens.

Young white people: Would you rather cut yourself or have larger testicles?

See what I mean? No words are worth your outrage. If someone calls you a faggot, you don't call the police or throw yourself into the spotlight for attention and pity and fake acceptance. You offer to suck their dick. Either they laugh and you've made a friend, or they get creeped out and walk away. Either way, you win.

Everybody is different. Sorry. That's life. Some people are black. Some people are white. Some people are gay. Some people are short. Some people are assholes. Until you can learn to accept what makes you different and be able to laugh at it, you will always be a scared, insecure little faggot. Don't believe me? Watch this.

I am a piece of shit.

See that? Nothing. No burn marks, no bullet holes, no scars. Painless. Your turn: 

Fuck all of you. My best friends, my not friends, my pending friends, the evil conspiring government of all knowing and all powerful reptilian jew overlords, everyone reading this: Fuck. You.

I'm just kidding. I love you, even if you are a bunch of faggots.   

Ladies and gentlemen, this is what television has become. Long gone are the days of Taxi, All in the Family, and Married with Children. Seinfeld has been buried the comedy graveyard, or as we call it, TBS. Sitcoms died a long time ago, and they've been replaced with something that resembles bad sketch comedy. A format that should be extinct somehow continues to thrive. How is this possible? Why does Hollywood insist on splashing us with these diarrhetic evacuations?

Unfortunately, people still enjoy this shit. Their audience is mostly middle-aged middle America, otherwise known to us Oklahomans as those mouth-breathers that live down the street. But it isn't just the old, dying, unfunny generation that keeps these shows alive. Young people actually watch this garbage. Seriously! If I had a penny for every time someone got offended by my stance on That 70s Show, I'd have a fuckload of pennies. What makes sitcoms so funny? Why is hack comedy continually supported by the public (asked right after I steal a line from a movie)? Those are not rhetorical questions. I want an answer.

If your favorite show has a laugh track, there is a 99% possibility that you are a person devoid of a sense of humor. I'm sorry, but any show that uses this archaic horseshit method as an attempt to convey humor, exhibits nothing of the sort. Dialogue is unrealistic and unrelatable. Lines are delivered as if the characters are aware of an invisible studio audience. I can only assume that people who enjoy these programs don't know what the word “funny” even means, and are probably easily offended by legitimate attempts at comedy.

John Belushi died, and his brother is alive and well. This is proof that there is no God.

That show is called According to Jim. According to America, this is funny. According to Travis, everyone associated with this program should die in a horrible studio fire. But I must be wrong, because this show was on the air for 8 years. From 2001 to 2009, According to Jim was a hit that people actually watched, enjoyed, and helped keep on the air. Coincidentally, this was also the span of time in which our entire population turned into milquetoast bores and crybabies.

Don't get me wrong, I mean, this scene screams funny. Once again we have an obviously gay man playing a straight character, which of course makes him believable. Then we have a woman whose delivery, let me tell you, will give Tina Fey a run for her money. Notice how it didn't seem at all like she was waiting for her line, and how she didn't get over-excited when it was her turn to speak. And the writing? Brilliant. “I know EEEK AKK EEK when I hear it! LOL” Boy, just a smorgasbord of talent on that set. Die.

Then we have the aforementioned favorite of my generation, That 70s Show, starring the ever-so-respected and talented Ashton Kutcher. Surely a performance artist of his stature can make a sitcom watchable. Let's take a look.

This is obviously a fan-made video, but it still gives us a glimpse at how laugh tracks ruined this show. I stated previously that I have very negative views about this program, but after watching the first few seconds of this montage I'll be honest with you. The writing isn't actually that bad and, for once, the characters are relatable. Of course, this doesn't change the fact that catch phrases are fucking awful on any show. Actually, I take it back, it is pretty bad.

The problem lies mostly with the canned ha-has. As I've already explained in a slightly more mean-spirited manner, actors are waiting for their lines and their delivery makes Vin Diesel look like a guy with some range. There is something about this format that promotes overacting, almost forces it, which can limit an actor's performance. I honestly think Topher Grace is a good actor, but on this show he is rotten garbage.

Constant interruptions from the post-production department remove all believability from dialogue and make invisible any chemistry between actors on screen. If you think I'm wrong, watch any sitcom and pretend that the laugh tracks aren't there. Do the characters sound like they are having a real conversation? The correct answer is no. This is because they are performing rather than acting. Make sense?

So what happens when there is a real studio audience? We've all seen Saturday Night Live, and despite the unfortunate fact that they seem to have hired writers from an eighth grade English class, there was a very recent time when it was funny. Therefore, laughter might work in some cases, right? Here's an excerpt from a show that I enjoyed, Lucky Louie, featuring a living, breathing, and present studio audience.

The show aired on HBO, which meant a lot more freedom for the brilliant and talented head writer, Louis C.K. The dialogue was edgy, relatable, and absolutely hilarious, even if some of the actors weren't exactly professionals (which is probably why it got canceled). In fact, this is a sitcom I wanted back on the air. However, despite the genuine laughter of a real studio audience, there is still the problem with delays in dialogue. Performers must wait until laughter dies down in order to deliver their next line, which again voids the illusion of reality. It is presented as a series of comedy sketches rather than a story. It might have been a better show had C.K decided against the sitcom format. Take his new project, Louie, for example. It boasts the same writer, of course, but this one is presented in a professional manner with some actual direction that requires more than simply pointing a camera at a stage.

Similar to situations in most sitcoms, this is a scene that depicts a wacky circumstance that probably doesn't happen in real life, but it felt very real didn't it? That's because there was nothing taking up space between lines of dialogue. The conversation flowed nicely and, more importantly, we knew when to laugh.

I never understood the notion that laugh tracks are a psychological tactic, tapping into our minds and brainwashing us into believing that what we are watching isn't the comedy equivalent of HIV. I never fell for it. Even during sitcoms that I enjoy, such as Frasier (go ahead, call me a faggot and a hypocrite), I wasn't always laughing with the dead people in the can.

Comedy, believe it or not, is an art form. As an art form, its quality is determined by the emotional response of the public. A show that contains a laugh track is like someone at an art fair screaming, “LOOK! MY PAINTING IS AWESOME! IT HAS MEANING!” As we all know, anyone who goes around announcing how cool they are is really a total square, and not jive in the slightest. Since we are in the 90s, let's visit the revolutionary sitcom of the era: Seinfeld.

This is the only thing that can rebut everything I have said thus far. The writing in Seinfeld was brilliant. The cast was amazingly talented. Most importantly, it didn't feel at all like the laughter was distracting. It was just background noise, really. This was the last good sitcom, the last dinosaur wiped out by Hollywood's greedy fecal asteroid. Somewhere between this and Friends, comedy (all television, really) became something not about art, but a business. Hollywood began accepting every mediocre script that came through the door instead of wiping their asses with it, subsequently increasing their toilet paper budget and prompting them to chase a larger profit. Granted, it's always been a bit of a business, but now it's as if they don't even care about what they are selling as long as people buy it. Fast forward a decade or so later and now we have this:

I don't even know what to say to this. How Two and a Half Men manages to stay on the air is beyond not only my own understanding of logic, but the very laws of the universe. In fact, a sense of humor is easily measured by the simple question of whether someone enjoys this show. If not, odds are you've met a cool person. If the latter, the only acceptable response is to throw a punch and walk away. This show defines what sitcoms are today: complete garbage. It doesn't shock me at all that Charlie Sheen hates himself. Don't even get me started on Tyler Perry.

Of course, all of this begs the question, what the fuck do I know about comedy? What makes me an expert? After all, this is my opinion, right?

I'm sorry, but it is more than just an opinion. One's sense of humor isn't defined simply by taste, nor by stand-up experience, writing skill, or even wit. It's much simpler than that. All that is required for a good sense of humor is honesty. Dishonest people tend to have very unfunny qualities. They clean up their language and get very offended (read: afraid) when something taboo is mentioned. In comedy clubs, you'll often find them interrupting the show because their girlfriend didn't like something or because God gets mentioned during a bit. Honest folk, however, have the ability to keep their head about them and can decipher the difference between a joke and reality. I am an “expert” in comedy because I consider myself an honest person with an unhindered sense of humor.

I'm going to leave you with a show that is just that: Honest. If you've made it this far, then thank you for reading. If not, then you're a cunt. Here is Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm.